How often have
you heard someone say something like the title of this particular posting?
Maybe what you have heard someone say something like they don’t think of their
parents and those they are leaving behind them. I speak of course of people
that take their own life through one way or another – in other words Suicide.
Unfortunately such
people are often of a certain generation, those that would have grown up in the
day’s pre Vatican Two when Ireland and the world were much different places. In
those days whether it was a church rule or a state rule or a mix of both for
someone to take their own life was not really accepted and those that did and I
am sure many would have, they were not buried in consecrated ground. This was
the case if you were a Catholic anyway. I don’t know if you were buried if you
were a member of say the Church of Ireland, the Methodist, Presbyterian
Churches or any other religious grouping.
On
Saturday evening I took a book out of a drawer in my bedroom that I had
purchased late last year on one of my many visits to Eason’s in Dungarvan. I
had never heard of the Author – Collette Wolfe. After buying the book I did
hear her speak with Damien Tiernan on WLR’fm’s Deise Today programme. It may
even be even Maria McCann who stands in from time to time for him, I honestly can’t
remember, and when the interview was been conducted I was not paying the same
attention to the programme that I would have on other days, especially if the
presenter was talking to someone that had written a nonfiction book.
In the last few
years I have read some very good book;
Damaged by Paul
Stewart
Walk Away and
Forget Him by Gerry Maguire
First Hand by
Eoin Hand
Nobody Will
Believe You by Mary Manning
The Romford Pele
by Ray Parlour
The Best Is Yet To
Come by Alan O’Mara
The Boy on the
Shed by Paul Ferris
Crying Into a
Saucepan by Nikki Hayes
Sober by Tony
Adams
Donal’s Mountain
by Finbarr Walsh
A Different
Shade of Green by Alan McLaughlin
Hard Knocks and
Soft Spots by Paddy Doherty
People like Me
by Lynn Ruane
Walk While You
Can by Fr. Tony Coote
The Baby
Snatchers by Mary Creighton
Overcoming by
Vicky Phelan
Some of you
might say some of these books are not for me. There is a priest’s name there,
there is sporting people there, you might think that you are not into religion
or sport and would rather than give these books a miss, but while there might
be religion or sport mentioned in some of them, the main story in the book
makes them well worth reading. For example Fr. Tony Coote’s book is about his
battle with Motor Neurone Disease, Lynn Ruane has sat in the Seanad but her
story in the book is not about her time there, but her fight to come off drugs,
Paul Steward played soccer for a number of leading teams including Man City,
Spurs and Liverpool but the point of his book is about the sexual abuse that he
suffered as a youngster, Tony Adams played soccer for Arsenal and England talks
of his battle with Alcohol and the work he is doing since beating his addiction
to help others, Alan O’Mara played Football for Cavan but his book deals with
the depression he has battled with for some time.
I thought that
it would be hard to top two books that I read last year, Vicky Phelan’s and Fr.
Tony Coote’s and those of Lynn Ruane and Nikki Hayes which I read the year
before, but Collette Wolfe’s to me was a real page turner.
On Saturday
evening while lying in bed I read two or three chapters before falling to
sleep. I like to give myself a week to read a book and as Collette’s book “If I Could
Hold You Again” has 296 pages not been a fast reader I gave myself a week to
read it. On Sunday evening I could find nothing on the Television that
interested me so I went to bed about half nine, turned Sky News on low in the
back round so I had a little noise in the room, something I like and picked up
reading the book from where I left off. By twenty to one this morning I had the
book read, which for me suggests it was a page turner.
Collette in the
book devotes much of it to the death of her youngest daughter at the age of 18.
She died just over a week after celebrating her birthday. Collette and her
Husband was abroad on holiday when they got a phone call that no parent or
anyone wants to get. There only son phoned them to say their youngest daughter
was found dead by her only sister. At first the pair of holiday makers thought
that maybe she was killed in a crash, but when they rang back home they found
out that she had taken her own life.
On the day of
Collette’s daughter’s funeral the found out why she had taken her own life, she
was on the end of some bullying by a number of people that she knew.
People that
claim that those who take their own life are “selfish bastards”, “cowards” or
who use any other phrase including “they don’t think of their poor parents” in
my opinion don’t know what they are talking about. For every person that takes
their own life there is a reason why they did so, like in the case of Collette
Wolfe’s daughter who she learned was bullied.
When it comes to
young people who take their own life as a result of bullying, the most of it
will come from “their school friends”, who are not really friends. If they were
they would not be bullying a person the way they do.
There are other
reasons that people take their life. Maybe it is because on health grounds. Maybe
someone has got some bad news from a Doctor which they might have kept from
others and feel that they cannot go on any further maybe knowing that their
final days will be spent in great pain even if they will receive medication to
help them with much of it. Maybe a person will be told that they have
contracted some disability and face a time in the future where they will need
someone to help them with some thinks that most of us take for granted, like
dressing or washing. Maybe they don’t want to be seen as any sort of a burden
on anyone. Maybe they cannot face the day when they do not have their own
dignity when it comes to something like going to the toilet. Maybe someone
thinks there is something wrong with them, something like thinking they have
found a lump on their body and cannot face going to a doctor.
Unless someone leaves
a note or a diary which they kept we will never know why some people take their
own life. Perhaps it is as a result of pressure put on a person by others. How
many times have we heard about parents putting pressure on their children when
it comes to exams they are sitting to make sure that they get a certain mark in
exams, and if they don’t there is sometimes a lot of shouting. This pressure
can come in many ways. How often have we seen parents think that their son or
daughter will get better marks in their exams if they were sent for grinds or
study groups after school.
Sometimes I feel
the pressure comes from a person’s teachers. I was lucky enough when attending
Saint Anne’s Post Primary School in Cappoquin that I can some good teachers.
Some were even excellent teachers. Two of the very best of the teachers in the
school are to be found today on my Facebook list of friends. But there were
some bad teachers as well. Maybe they were not all that bad; it maybe was just
that I did not relate to them.
For five years
in the Cappoquin School a report was sent home on our performances twice a year
after Christmas and summer exams. Maybe it was the done thing at the time and I
don’t know if it is still done, but the majority of the teachers in their
comments would say something along the lines “Thomas could do better”. I am
sure that many of the 250 odd students in the school on any given year would
have had something similar said about them.
Personally I
always ignored such comments. I knew I was doing my best, or I felt I was doing
my best. I may have been able to get better marks in some subjects maybe if I
had a better teacher, or one that I could relate to. Nearly 30 years on I will
never know now if I could or not. Maybe if I was a student today I might do somewhat
better than I did back in the late 80’s and early 90’s as the way teachers are
trained has possibly changed and the way things are done are different. Back
when I was in school there was no explaining from some teachers. I felt we were
told this is the way a thing is done and there was little or no explaining. I
am 99% certain that has changed today.
Back when I was
going to school I had no intention of going to College or University after my
leaving cert. For the last 18 months or so in school I could not wait till it
was all over all over for me. But I feel maybe that if I had plans to go to
third level education getting comments like “Thomas could do better” knowing I
was doing my level best could have pushed me over the top and if pupils are
getting the same comments today it is pushing some over the top maybe damaging
their mental health.
People who take
their own life are not the “Selfish Bastards” or the “Cowards” that some people
claim they are. They are many reasons why people take their own life and we
have to get this into our thinking and do away with the stupid comments that
some make when they hear of someone taking their life.
If you have ever
spoke about someone that had taken or attempted to take their own life, calling
them all sorts of names and coming out with comments like they don’t think of
the parents, family and friends they are leaving behind can I urge you to pick
up a copy of Collette Wolfe’s excellent book in a bookshop, online or in the
library and read it. Take in what is said in the book. Maybe you have heard
someone make such comments. Maybe you can after reading the book yourself
recommend that they read it or say it have heard it recommended and suggest
that they read it. People who take their life do so for a reason and the sooner
we get rid of the stigma attached to suicide that existed in the past the
better.